From humble beginnings in 1993 as screenwriter David Berenbaum’s quirky holiday comedy script, which was writtenwith Jim Carreyin mind to star in the film,Elf(2003) snowballed upon its eventual release from a successful and family friendly Will Ferrell vehicle to becoming the defining Christmas classic of the modern era. It is noteworthy that the project was trapped in development hell for nearly a decade after Jim Carrey turned down the role of “Buddy the Elf.” This might explain why in a Hollywood era rife with sequels, prequels, reboots, and interconnected cinematic universes thatElfhas not spawned a single spin-off.
And ifthe long-teasedElfsequelwas eventually produced, it would no longer be graced by the screen presence of the late actor James Caan. Caan portrayed Buddy the Elf’s biological father and children’s book publisher Walter Hobbs, thoughCaan wouldn’t work with Ferrell againwhile he was still alive, so that hardly matters. If there were going to beElfspin-offs, what would they look like? And which characters would have the honor of being brought back? Let’s take a look at 11 options, from worst to best.
11Newscaster Charlotte Dennon
The last spot on the list goes to Claire Lautier’sNewscaster Charlotte Dennonof New York 1. Though Lautier’s is a memorable role, there is just barely enough information on Dennon and her stereotypically noncommittal boyfriend to warrant its own spin-off as a relationship drama.
10The Mall Santa
Second to last on the list ofElfspin-offs is a cinéma vérité take on Artie Lange’s grimy “Mall Santa,” a character which Buddy does not mince words with:
Buddy: “You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa.”
Why is the Mall Santa so low on the list? WithBad Santareleased just two weeks afterElf,it’s safe to say that the character has been sufficiently explored by Billy Bob Thornton, who is pitch perfect in the role as a professional thief who poses as a mall Santa to rob department stores. Incidentally, as a hard-edged cult classic Christmas movie overshadowed at the box office by the upbeat crowd-pleasingElfwhich was released two weeks earlier,Bad Santafaced a remarkably similar fate as John Carpenter’sThe Thing(1982),a hard-edged sci-fi horror filmwhich was overshadowed at the box office by Steven Spielberg’s upbeat, crowd-pleasing sci-fi adventureE.T. The Extra-Terrestrial,which was released two weeks earlier.
9Dirk Lawson’s Spa Day Gone Wrong
Jonathan Bruce has a brief cameo-length role asDirk Lawson, the long-haired and heavyset metalhead in the biker bar whose embarrassing Christmas wish is revealed on live television by Buddy’s half-brother Michael.
Michael: “Dirk Lawson wants a day of pampering at Burke-Williams spa.”
Dirk: “… Must be another Dirk Lawson.”
When it comes down to it Lawson should not be ashamed. And though it would be a far cry fromElf, a relaxing day at the spa gone wrong for a big biker could be the basis for a hilarious comedy which could besomething likeFerris Bueller’s Day Off(1986) meetsRaising Arizona(1987).
8Wanda’s Got a Brand New Bag
Faizon Love deserves credit for his standout portrayal ofWanda, the Gimbel’s manager who is every bit as meticulous as he is suspicious. Clutching his clipboard and walkie talkie, Love’s character has enough bottled-up aggression to star in his own movie.
In our hypothetical spin-off,Wanda’s Got A Brand New Bag, the department store staff he has micromanaged for years could finally find dirt on their boss and blackmail him into loosening up the tie. Employees like Zoey Deschanel’s Jovie character would love to see the tables turned on her supervisor after facing the wrath of Wanda for not cutting ribbon decorations to his liking.
Wanda: “Six-inch ribbon curls, honey.”
Jovie: “That’s impossible.”
Wanda: “Six!Inches!”
7A Suzie Talks-A-Lot Cartoon
Before he embarrasses the metalhead Dirk Lawson, Michael lists off other Christmas wishes from Santa’s Nice List:
Michael: “Carolyn Reynolds wants a Suzie Talks-A-Lot.”
Carolyn Reynoldsis the sweet little girl that Buddy meets in the doctor’s office. All she wants for Christmas is a fictional children’s toy that should have had Warner Bros. (which ownsElfdistributor New Line Cinema) seeing dollar signs in the form of a Suzy Talks-A-Lot cartoon series. Would a Suzy Talks-A-Lot show be any good? Probably not, though it’s always nice to see acartoon from a girl’s perspective. But when has the prospect of a children’s cartoon being any good ever stood in the way of a studio giving the green light?
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The quality of the show isn’t the point. What Warner Bros. is really missing out on by not developing a Suzy Talks-A-Lot cartoon is the lucrative merchandising on the side. Think of all that sweetStar Warstoy money that George Lucas made. As of 2021 Lucas’Star Warsmerchandising has earned $12 billion! However, if Suzy Talks-A-Lot dolls were true to their name then parents everywhere would find themselves removing the batteries to shut Suzy up.
6A Miles Finch Christmas Carol Adaptation
The arrogantMiles Finchseems tailor-made forone of Hollywood’s favorite holiday classics, Charles Dickens’ 1843 novellaA Christmas Carol. After Buddy the Elf insults him about his dwarfism around the employees of Greenway Press that have practically begged him to pitch them a children’s book story, Finch lets loose on Buddy:
Finch: “Hey Jackweed. I get more action in a week than you’ve had your entire life. I’ve got houses in LA, Paris, and Vail. Each one of them with a seventy-inch plasma screen.”
From the adversity he has no doubt faced in his career from people like Buddy who appears to make light of his dwarfism, Finchplayed brilliantly by Peter Dinklage, has become hardened to the world and embraced materialism much like Dickens’ iconic Christmas-hating miser Ebenezer Scrooge. Perhaps what Finch needs is to be visited by three spirits in the night, because, as Buddy says about Finch, “He’s an angry elf.”
5A Morris and Eugene Sitcom
Kyle Gass and Andy Richter are near their career best inElfasEugene Dupree and Morris, respectively, a pair of children’s book writing buffoons. Gass and Richter are some of Hollywood’s greatest sidekicks, with Gass functioning as Jack Back’s sidekick in 2006’sTenacious D and the Pick of Destiny(though when it comes to “the art of rock” Black plays second fiddle) and Richter appearing for many years as the chipper talk show sidekick to Conan O’Brien.
InElf, Gass and Richter’s dueling sidekick energies as Eugene and Morris amalgamate into a moronic hive mind. The pair pitch their ridiculous children’s book ideas as one, bumbling around the offices of Greenway Press like a two-headed fool.
Morris: [Finch’s] best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What’s more vulnerable than a peach?!?
The pair is perfect for a sitcom set in New York City’s cutthroat world of children’s book publishing. With 22 minutes per episode and a live studio audience, Gass and Ritcher’s characters would be a bottomless well of terrible children’s book ideas and questionable work ethic who, by the end of each episode, manage to stave off being fired by an incredulous boss who suffers from even greater hair loss than James Caan.
4Mr. Narwhal’s Arctic Adventure
Mr. Narwhalis the friendly claymation narwhal who lives on the North Pole and sees Buddy off on his quest for the far away Empire State Building in “a magical land called New York City.” Though the role was uncredited, it was director Jon Favreau who provided the voice for the character’s only line:
Mr Narwhal: “Bye, Buddy. Hope you find your dad.”
Buddy: “Thanks, Mr. Narwhal.”
How Warner Bros. could sit on the Mr. Narwhal character for twenty years without making a children’s series spin-off with claymation (or even animation) defies all Hollywood logic. Make Mr. Narwhal set out to rescue the arctic puffins from some terrible fate and the script will practically write itself.
3The Tragic Alcoholic Mailroom Worker
While Buddy is initially excited to visit the “shiny” mailroom below the Empire State Building, after a quick tour he says, “This place reminds me of Santa’s workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.” But Buddy makes fast friends with an alcoholic “26-year-old"Mailroom Worker, played by Canadian voice actor Mark Acheson, who is really a much older prisoner on work release who spikes his coffee from a flask that Buddy mistakes for syrup. After passing the flask around with Buddy, Acheson’s character starts opening up about his life:
Mailroom Worker: “Nobody around here listens to me. I got really good ideas… I gotta get out of the flow. I’m in the flow. That’s what got me here.”
Hilarious as the character is, he is surprisingly developed for such a small part in a silly Christmas movie, though Acheson’s baritone voice and disheveled appearance do much of the heavy lifting. Acheson’s mailroom worker has all the makings of a world-weary protagonist in a classic Hollywood adaptation of a Tennessee Williams play.
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Cut the character’s hair and put him in a white tee shirt and blue jeans and Paul Newman could have portrayed him earnestly as a tragic hero. In fact, an alcoholic prisoner working in a mailroom would have fit perfectly into Newman’s rogues gallery of blue-eyed bad boys likeCool Hand Luke(1967) andHud(1963). Had the scene where Acheson’s character and Buddy are lying on bins of mail and drinking on the job gone on any longer, the man might have blurted out Marlon Brando’s iconic line, “I could have been a contender!” from Elia Kazan’sOn the Waterfront(1954).
2The Puppy, The Pigeon, and the Evil Witch Animated Movie
Michael Lerner crushed his role asFulton Greenway, the CEO of the fictional Greenway Press and Walter Hobbs’ villainous boss. This cannot change the fact that cruel corporate bosses and evil CEOs are one of the most common villains in Hollywood films. It’s safe to say that ground is sufficiently covered. What is not covered ground, however, is the unfinished story from the children’s book that Greenway comes into the office on Christmas Eve to roast Hobbs’ ham over.
Greenway: “I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch.”
Greenway brings this up to Hobbs toward the end of the film. And the line references an earlier scene where Hobbs decides to publish the unfinished children’s book in spite of an employee’s insistence that he face the facts:
Employee: “Two whole pages are missing. The story doesn’t make any sense.”
Hobbs: “You think some kid’s gonna notice two pages? All they do is look at pictures.”
Greenway’s niece isn’t the only one who wants to know what happened at the end of that children’s book. It has been twenty years sinceElfhit theaters and the world has been waiting anxiously to find out how the puppy and the pigeon escaped from the clutches of the evil witch. It’s time their story was told.
As an animated movie, the hypotheticalThe Puppy, The Pigeon, And The Evil Witchcould function as a story-within-a-story. It’d be something likeStudio Ghibli’s movieThe Cat Returns(2002), which was a spin-off tale of the figurine cat “Baron Humbert von Gikkingen” from the iconic anime studio’s earlier film animeWhisper of the Heart(1995).
